Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Songs my father sang

this story appeared in red fez issue 93



“Dad, what are you looking for?”
“My keys”
“Your front pocket, remember?
“You sure?”
He’s checked three times already, for his keys, which are always in his front right pocket. The bus ticket is inside his coat, buttoned up. His wallet is in the back right side of his old baggy jeans.
“Here they are,” he nods, smiling.
I nod back, smiling.
“What did you order?”
“A burger”, I say, “you got a Reuben”
“Right, sure,” his spoon stops stirring. “Hot tea is good”, he says, “with lemon.” He brings the steaming ceramic mug to his lips. His hand trembles. The tea bag string dangles in mid air.
“What’re you drinking?”
“Scotch” I say. To be honest, it’s not my first.
“I used to drink scotch,” he says, “I loved a nice whiskey”.
He did love his liquor.  In his day, he was a drinker, a hard drinker, the funny, happy drunk, most of the time.  There were other times. Like mornings when we tiptoed past him as he dozed, passed out on the kitchen floor, with his one shoe on. Those were days we were leery to waken him, because we knew better.
 I am sitting across the table from my father, in a loud, brightly lit spot on Mass Ave. College kids are whooping at the bar. A Patriots game blares from five huge screens, which captures his attention while we wait for our food. His fingers tap on the table top. He hums a bar of a song, Stardust, I think, one of his favorites. He loves the old songs, all the old songs: hillbilly ballads, folk, country, rock and roll, Rogers and Hart. In my earliest memories, he is always singing. He sang while he stood at the sink , naked, in the upstairs bathroom while he shaved with a safety razor.  He sang when he drove, with his arm dangling out the rolled down window, regardless of the weather. He sang on Sunday mornings, when we skipped church and he’d make us fancy breakfasts of French toast, or pancakes, or crepes, with sausage and ham. “I Just Want To Be Your Teddy Bear,” he crooned with a sneering lip and swiveling hip as he dished out our plates.
“You gonna put on some pants, today?”
He would look down at his saggy once white boxers, and shake his head at my mother, “I don’t think so, no not today, “ and then standing in the middle of the gingham curtained kitchen, with a cast iron skillet in his hand, he’d belt out: “Born FREE, as Free as the Wind BLOWS!”
“Well don’t let the neighbors hear, for Christ’s sake. “
“…As free as the Grass goes, Born FREE!” He’d go on, not hearing, apparently.
“Just pass the syrup, would you?”

He’s still humming, still tapping. I look at him,  at his shaggy white shoulder length hair, his brown eyes, his moustache. People say, since I grew a beard, that I look like him. My mother calls me the Turk. “Say what you will,” she says, still begrudgingly, “despite a number of moral deficits, you father has always been a handsome bastard.”

 I watch my dad, still handsome, as he chews a mouthful of sandwich. I watch him blot his face with a tiny paper napkin. I know him, this man, my father. At least I think I do.  His hands, old now, were strong hands, the hands of a hardworking man, a boilermaker. Those hands would wrap you in the head if you got smart, and gently put on a bandaid if you scraped your knee when you fell off your bike. He always carried a rough white handkerchief to wipe faces clean with a good amount of spit. He tweaked noses.  
Some Saturday mornings, that last year he lived with us, my dad would take me to his office on the outskirts of Providence, and on the way we’d stop at a diner for Western omelets and thin white buttery toast. These were special days, when I was allowed to drink coffee, a scoop of Nescafe, some hot water, Cremora, and three whiffs of sugar from the heavy glass dispenser. At the boiler works, my dad was the boss, and owner.  Sitting in his swivel chair in the paneled nook where he did his business, I loved playing secretary. I banged out letters on the Selectric typewriter, I answered pretend phone calls: “I’m sorry Mr Belanger is in an important meeting, may I take a message?” I tapped a sharp pencil on pink ‘While You Were Out’ notepads, scribbled, “Mr Spock” and checked off the box “returned your call”, and circled “urgent”. One time while I was playing, I used the White Out to paint my nails, because Carol Burnet, when she played Mrs Wiggins on her show, would always be manicuring herself when her boss wanted her to do something, which was hysterical.
Nelson, one of the pipe fitters, stood in the doorway, “What the Hell are you doing?”  
“Nothing.”  
He nudged Randy, his buddy, and rolled his eyes. “Freakin’ Queer” he said, and Randy laughed. He stopped laughing when my dad walked in from the next room. He had heard. There was a look on my father’s face I did not understand, but it was more than sadness, more than anger. “Go on, son,” he said to me. “Go get in the car, I should take you home to your mother now.” Half way down the corridor from the office, I could hear him yelling, but I don’t know what he said.

I was not brought to the office on Saturdays, after that.

In the spring of that year he would leave us behind, to start a new life with a new family, a girlfriend with two young daughters. There would be no more singing in our house, no more fancy breakfasts, no more tiptoeing after the fighting. “You’ll be man of the house now,” he said, the day he left.

 He’s going through his pockets again, whistling “Begin the Beguine”, this time emptying the contents next to his plate and saucer. There is the handkerchief, neatly folded, and his change, about three dollars in quarters, dimes, and pennies, the wallet, a black plastic hair comb, his keys on a ring that says ELVIS LIVES, and then, he places down a rock, a round flat smooth green stone, in the center of everything.
“What’s that?”
“What?”
“The rock.”
“Oh, that’s my rock.”
“What’s it for?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know.”
“Did you always have that?”
“I don’t remember,” he says, “but for a long time. It’s just a thing.”

From my own front pocket, I pull out a grooved stone. This is the secret talisman of my heart. I picked it up, one perfect day on Race Point. I’ve carried this rock for years, decades, I don’t know why.  Its ridges are worn from the rubbing of my hands, worn by daily anxieties, fears, heartbreaks, griefs. It is warm with prayers. It is charm and superstition.

I look at him, how peculiar, how strange, these two objects in the middle of the table seem to be, inert, imbued suddenly with something new I don’t understand.

My dad sits there. “Would you look at that?” he says. “The apple never falls far from the tree.”
I nod, wondering at the mysteries of the man across the table, as elusive and familiar as the lyrics to an old song, as he smiles at me.
“Let’s get some pie,” he says, and he puts his things away.




note: this story, about me and my dad, is creative non-fiction. while elements are factual,  details are the creation of the writer.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016






Saturday night

http://www.potluckmag.com/december-2016/2016/12/9/saturday-night-sucks

this piece was accepted by Potluck Magazine for November publishing.

“So, tell me, how was the date?” It’s Jett. He must have radar. He calls the second I walk in the door.
I hold the phone in the crook of my neck as I pop a Lean Cuisine into the microwave. “How do you think? It’s 10 pm on Saturday night and I am home about to Netflicks Dark Victory.”
“That bad?”
“No, it wasn’t awful, but pretty typical.”
“Where’d you meet this one?”
“OK Cupid.”
“Ugh.”
“No shit.”
Ok Cupid, as you probably are aware, is another online dating service for us busy singles looking for connections. If you have never taken one of these mate matching quizzes, they are a perplexing series of questions, seemingly unrelated, and all equally weighted:  “Do you believe in God?”; “Do you like cats?” ; “Is fidelity in a relationship important to you?” ;  “Do you enjoy soup?” I don’t know of the validity of these inquiries. You answer these, and about a 100 more, and of course you are careful to use your “best” answers. Why yes, I am conscientious. No, I don’t like people who lie, etc. They take your responses and put them through the hopper, and out comes a list of your matches. Like magic. Personally, I’d take an atheist over a cheating cat lover.
I think they should have more essays. I loved essays in school. You could bullshit your way through pretty much anything. For instance, which Golden Girl are you, and why? If I had known my ex was such a Blanche, it may have saved me a bit of heartache down the road, who knows? Tonight’s date was a Rose, no doubt about it.

“Tell me all about it. Details. Spare nothing.” I can hear Jett settling into his couch, sipping something with ice. Jett is fatally married to Bernard, so my forays into the world of dating provide theater for him. In former days, we all went out on double dates, triple dates, when all of us in the circle were coupled up, but now my canary in the coalmine adventures into the single life are both titillating, and cautionary tale.
The microwave beeps. I burn my hand on the little plastic tray. Peeling back the thin film, the steam rises up with a pungent tang. “They have a lot of nerve calling this Linguine Alfredo.” I lean against the counter and twirl a forkful.
“So?” Jett is getting impatient. “Tell papa everything.”
“Where do I begin?”
“Where’d you meet him?”
“Border CafĂ©.”
“Jesus. Why?”
“He said it was his favorite place in Harvard Square.”
“That should have been a red flag right there. No taste. But at least you were close to home.”
“And the magaritas are decent.”
“What did he look like?”
“Not bad, really. Kind of slight, slim, sandy blond. Non threatening.”
“Bland?”
“Pretty much.” I blow on the molten lava glop of pasta.
Paul, my date, was already there, sitting at the bar, even though I was ten minutes early. I like to be the early one, it gives me a chance to settle, check in, check out the place, maybe get a preparatory  drink. “There you are!” he waved. “I was about to send out the bloodhounds!”
“Am  I late?”
“Oh just kidding, can’t you take a joke? Come and give me a great big hug!”
I was groped and enveloped in a cloying scent I eventually recognized as Shalimar, a fragrance more associated with my grandmother, now deceased some years, than an evening of conquest.
“Wow you are so much cuter than your profile picture! I love the beard! Can I touch it? please?”
He was stroking my facial scruff when the bartender came over. “Cocktails?” she asked.
“Yes. Please.” I said.

“So what did you talk about?” Jett swallows a hefty swig of his drink.
“He did most of the talking.”
“Oh, one of those.”
“He talked in exclamation points. He was very emphatic, enthusiastic.”
“Annoying.”
“Pretty much. Oh, he kept calling the waitstaff  ‘Girlfriend’. Like: “OOH Girlfriend I love those shoes! You are all that, Girlfriend!”
“Embarrassing. We don’t say that anymore. No one says that anymore.”
“And twice he told me to ‘Talk to the Hand’.”
“No!”
“I swear.”
About midway through our Cuervo Gold margaritas, while waiting for a chicken quesadilla to arrive (he insisted we split something, “It’s more romantic!”) Paul gave my upper thigh a squeeze. “This is going well, don’t you think? I feel an instant chemistry with you, it’s amazing!”
“Maybe it’s the tequila,” I said, deciding to ignore his hand.
“You are so funny! OMG. Laugh riot! I’m being serious, silly billy. I really think we could have fun!”
“What do you enjoy doing?”
“Oh, you’ll find out!” He licked the salted rim of his glass and gave me a wink.

“Was there anything good about it?” Jett sighs. I think in his heart he wants a happy ending for me. So do I.
“The drinks were strong.”
“Well that’s something. Sounds like you needed a good buzz to get through it.”
“I had three. The first two I sucked down like lemonade.”
“You must be drunk.”
“Little bit.”
“Me too.”
Paul matched me drink for drink. He got loose, and giddy. His face flushed red. He laughed a lot, and loudly. Then suddenly he got quiet. His hand, now on my shoulder, tightened its grip. “I have a serious question for you.” He looked at me, with mouse like gaze, his eyes bright and timid. He looked small in the brightly lit space. On the sound system, Elvis was singing “Viva Las Vegas.”
I nodded for him to go ahead.
“What are you looking for? I mean really. Are you looking for just a hook up? I couldn’t deal with that, no way Jose. That’s two snaps and a bag of chips. Sorry, Charlie. No dice." He finished his drink with one gulp. "I want someone special, someone to love me, really love me! You know?"
“Well, sure,” I said.
“I’m so tired of the game! Aren’t you? Isn’t this lame?”
“You made a rhyme,” I observed, unable to comfort him because I am hurting too, but as usual in an uncomfortable situation, I shrug it off, make a joke.
“What?”
“Nothing.”

Jett is in motion. “I gotta scoot soon Babe, the husband and dogs just came home with Chinese.’
“Ok, I’ll talk to you tomorrow? Tell Bernard and the puppies I said hello.”
“ Ok. So, you going to see him again, Mr Shalimar?”
“What do you think?”
“Guess not,” Jett sighs again, deeply, still hoping for that happy ending.
So am I.
I left Paul on the corner, after a quick hug. It was snowing. “Nice to meet you, handsome,” he said. “Call me?” He made a sad face, and gestured like he was holding a little phone, or a seashell, like he was listening for the sounds of the ocean whispering inside his empty hand.




this story was submitted to publication to Potluck magazine.